1) Condoms; Let’s face it, you probably won’t get laid, i mean do you really want to ram it into the crusty unwashed orifice of somebody from Scunthorpe on Saturday night? You’re far better off using these to fill with the cider crammed contents of your bladder in what is called a “tent wee” #note tie end and chuck at the noisy bastards shouting Bollocks all night.
2) Wet Wipes; If you do opt to have actual penetrative intercourse, these are going to be necessary for those distinctly unhygienic body parts that you’re going to enter. Try to make it part of a sensuous foreplay rather than say “your snatch stinks”
3) Loo Roll; When you gotta go, you’ve gotta go and you will need your own loo roll. Several (thousand) unprepared people will have already used the portaloo prior to your visit, that is why it says ‘Brian from Barnsley woz ere’ in Brian from Barnsley’s excrement up the side of the wall. Any loo roll you have left by Sunday night can be used to make a glamorous feather boa at an end of festival camp fire party, or be like every other moron and use it to burn a portaloo to the ground.
4) Bin Bags; Seasoned campers will demonstrate good camp site etiquette by putting their empty cans of Special Brew in a bin bag conveniently placed just outside the tent. The more stylish festival goer can also use them as waterproof Ponchos, hats, sarongs. Remember you are limited only by your imagination. The more entrepreneurial punter could run up a few designs before hand and set up a stall charging £20 a go.
5) Phone Charger; Don’t let your phone battery go flat, most festivals have charging stations now so you can update your FaceBook status to inform friends back home that “OMG Moz has just done How Soon Is Now!!!” just remember that the festival is probably being televised on BBC3 and your mates will have just seen Morrissey close up in HD performing ‘How Soon Is Now’ from the comfort of their sofa, without the agony of patchouli scented dreadlocks stabbing them in the face every few minutes…