The Ultimate Bernie Bro Emotional Breakdown Playlist
The Ultimate Bernie Bro Emotional Breakdown Playlist
by Ben Stephanus
These songs aren’t meant to be enjoyed. If you’re looking for a bunch of left leaning Punk to soothe the progressive soul there’s no shortage of Dead Kennedy albums, but that’s not what you’re going to find here. Rather this list is to face down the dark night of the soul through the grieving process after Bernie’s announcement to suspend his campaign this morning. A quick note to the esteemed Senator from Vermont: Why’d you have to say it bro?
Bruh, we knew it was comin’, but given how the Coronavirus crisis is sucking out all the oxygen in every media room at the moment, you could’ve laid low and kept the bad news to a minimum… bro.
Yet, that’s not how any of this works. Life comes at ya fast and these days death may come even faster. It’s been a wild ride and honestly a failed Sanders campaign would’ve been easier to cope with had he not been the presumptive front runner after pulling off the first 3 big contests. An impossible task seeing that the establishment saw the writing on the wall and teamed up at break neck speed to stop our Progressive super star’s unprecedented momentum. The 7 stages of grief rarely come in the strict order that pop psychology suggests, so be prepared to laugh, cry, yell at a boomer, and maybe your own Mom. I’m definitely going to be yelling at your Mom for the record.
Without further ado may I present, The ULTIMATE Bernie Bro Emotional Breakdown Playlist.
Bullet In The Head – Rage Against The Machine
What better way to kick this off, than with a bunch of Lefties who have a reputation for playing nice with Corporate organizations.The major difference here being RATM’s record label probably never screwed them anywhere near as bad as the DNC did it to Sanders.The Bernie Bro narrative is mostly a media myth, granted one they loved to drive home like it was as true or as important as income inequality. It went as far as to be a discussion on a major network debate that gave Mayor Pete the opportunity to double down with cheap shots for what seemed like, and in reality probably was 5 minutes.
They packed the ‘9, fired at the prime time, and mothufuckas didn’t give a second thought. Most arguments from Bernie supporters were informed, measured and coming from passionate folks from all walks of life. It’s important to note that most polling showed that Sanders appeal was drawn by generational lines, not by gender or nationality. However, it’s tough to consider this when you’re brain dead, with a fuckin’ bullet in ya head.
The fact of the matter is most the vitriol seemed to be coming from Democratic voters who bought into the narrative that Bernie was somehow responsible for Hillary’s 2016 loss. But no amount of condescension or mental gymnastics can get away from the fact that Clinton came with a serious amount of baggage and ran a lazy campaign. Whether that baggage was deserved or not is another discussion entirely. The bottom line is, however, that no matter what the conversation is, Twitter is mean about everything, even if they’re just wishing you a happy birthday. It’s almost like these people have never been on the internet before.
Breakout – Swing Out Sister
The 80’s were a great decade for cocaine, and no other drug can induce the type of egocentric denial entrenched mania that comes with trying to move on from a recent loss before you’re ready. C’mon bro, we’ve all been there. Maybe it was a long time relationship that went south for whatever reason, or perhaps they just left you “on read”. No matter what the weight of the situation, you take a deep breath, dust yourself off and declare once and for all that you don’t need that jerk anyway. There’s no shortage of 80’s Self Empowerment Anthems, so if this doesn’t apply, you can always choose your own poison.
What’s Love Got To Do With it REALLY?! You’re The Best, AROOUUND! Just don’t pick Walkin’ On Sunshine because that shouldn’t even be enjoyed ironically. At least this Swing Out Sister tune has a nice chorus. Sometime’s you just gotta breakout, until the come down hits and you’re left with the sobering fact that indeed, love has everything to do with it.
Chopped In Half – Obituary
There’s never been a more stark contrast between the two wings of the Democratic Party than there was the weekend before Super Tuesday. We all knew Biden was going to crush South Carolina but at this point Bernie was still the presumptive nominee.
He was looking like the favorite in the big two contests of California and Texas, as well as picking up a handful of others when in a flash, the whole game changed.
With the sudden dropouts of Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar, there was little doubt that Joe Biden was going to absorb most of that enthusiasm. It would’ve been nice if Elizabeth Warren would’ve maybe followed suit seeing that she had an equally impossible path to victory as the aforementioned candidates. It could’ve been a signal to the progressive base that she was truly down with the cause and had she also endorsed the clear progressive front runner, we would be having a different conversation, but we’ll get to her in a little bit. Nevertheless, the gauntlet was thrown by the DNC and the party hath been, Chopped In Half, just as our Death Metal pioneers Obituary hath predicted decades back. There’s no question that this is specifically what this song was written about.
The Candidates And Their Theme SongsJoe BidenWhen I’m 64 – The Beatles
Dude can barely form a sentence. It’s tough to even be mad about something that’s just plain SAD.
Will we still need him, will we still feed him? Paul McCartney should’ve been more thoughtful when he chose the specific age, but life expectancy might’ve been different back then. After all, it was the 60’s.
Pete Buttigieg My President Is Black – Young Jeezy
Listen, in the Trump era it’s hard not to have a little Obama nostalgia, drone strikes and all. But like, this guy is doing a blatant Barack impression at times and it should’ve sunk his campaign long before he decided to drop out. Here’s a fun video
Amy KlobucharSummer Breeze – Seals and Crofts
Who honestly wanted Amy Klobuchar to run for president? It’s an impossible demographic to read because they most likely do not exist outside of the mind of journalists. But man, did they try to make it happen and you gotta admire them for that I suppose. She lasted longer than Kamala Harris on the fumes of enthusiasm from some corporate executive at CNN presumably. The whole thing is shrouded in mystery. What would Amy listen to in her down time?
What song would Amy like to come out to on stage if she just let loose and chose the track herself? It’s impossible to tell but it’s easy to imagine it would be something sterile and at least, forwardly nice.
Music you can REALLY throw a stapler to. God this song sucks.
Andrew YangSell Out – Reel Big Fish
BRUH…Honestly, Biden didn’t need a Yang endorsement. Andrew Yang’s whole flex was trying to be a Bernie Sanders for the modern age.Should’ve known by that stage dive that Yang wasn’t a real one.
Beto O’RourkeComplicated – Avril Lavigne
Another fake punk who’s appeal is more toward current young professionals who listened to Bright Eyes whimpering in college.No amount of F-Bombs can make up for another pre-Super Tuesday Biden endorsement. Especially one that might’ve cost Bernie the delegate rich state of Texas.
Michael BloombergCharmless Man – Blur
I mean, you spend half a billion…not a million… but HALF A BILLION dollars of your own money on the presidential race to only win American Samoa.
Tom SteyerBack That Azz Up – Juvenile
https://youtu.be/vydgmy0CNSQ
Okay, you’ve gotta hand it to Tom Steyer. He had the courage to bring up slavery reparations on the national stage. That by itself should take away a little bit of the stigma of being an absolutely disgusting wealthy person. But by the time you see this, it’s obviously pandering for the all important South Carolina African American Vote. A voter bass that was somehow easily won instead by the author of that early 90’s crime bill that ruined the lives of countless African American families.
Kamala Harris911 Is A Joke – Public enemy
Public Enemy “fired” Flava Flav over a disagreement with their involvement in a Bernie Sanders rally in California. Also, Kamala’s a cop. In recent news however, Chuck D said Flav’s dismissal was staged, much like how Kamala’s entire campaign felt.
Marianne WilliamsonWhat I Am – Edie Brickell & New Bohemians
Unrelated, I could seriously use a guide for my next Ayahuasca trip. Holla @me
Elizabeth WarrenReal Friends – Kanye West
https://youtu.be/NoiJCB-QegE
Oh Liz. Remember when Bernie and yourself were teaming up on a bunch of sad sacks like John Delaney during the debates, talking about courage, big ideas and the politics of love and justice? Then remember how your campaign was sinking and you made a desperate move to color Bernie Sanders as a bigot? Nobody bought that because it wasn’t believable.
When all the moderates hopped out of the race, they unified behind Joe Biden and encouraged their own voters to do the same. How large is your ego honestly? You could’ve fought fire with fire. You didn’t have a clear path to the nomination, but you still had ample support that could’ve turned out and maybe put him over the top in a few key states and kept him competitive. But you didn’t do that. You bowed down and licked the boot just like you did 2016 when you endorsed Hillary. Real friends. How many of us?
Bernie Sanders fund raising numbers were so much better than yours though, that had you stolen a laptop like Kanye’s cousin did in the song, that they could’ve paid you off a million times over. You like getting paid off, don’t ya Liz?
John Delaney And The Other Boring CandidatesWanksta – 50 Cent
Why didn’t someone tell that Republican to get off the stage at the time? I mean, I guess you didn’t have to. He did it to himself but it would’ve been kinda fun.
Bernie SandersDo They Owe Us A Living – Crass
Of course they fucking do
Walkabout – Atlas Sound
This has nothing to do with anything. It’s just a great song and it should be on every playlist ever.
Levels Of DepressionBrilliant Mistake – Elvis Costello
Nice, somber, whiskey soaked americana with some cynical riffing on mainstream media. Depression Level: Introductory and tolerable
Grapefruit Moon – Tom Waits
Nocturnal melancholia. A nation in mourning in a time of pandemic. Reveling in darkness but marching forward with a stately melody.
Depression Level: ehhh… okay I guess. I’m holdin’ up. How about you?
Moorestown by Sun Kil Moon
Beautiful Crushing lonelinessDepression Level: Please God Make It Stop
Yo, Ima SpazGacy’s Place – The Mentally Ill
Ima Spaz bro
Acceptance,Stupid Stupid AcceptanceLove The One You’re With – Stephen Stills
A terrible song for a terrible candidate. The message here is to settle. Obviously, the intention of the writing wan’t about politics but even if you were to apply this in your personal life, you would value malaise over peace of mind. It’s a sure fire recipe for madness wrapped in a sweet melody. It’s no wonder the divorce rate is so high with baby boomers. They were taking relationship advice from Stephen Fucking Stills.
The 70’s had their cocaine just like the 80’s. Before it were to pay off in more fun ways like Disco, it convinced musicians to get high AF and take advantage of every single track made available to them for background vocals. This was new technology at the time after all. Got a song? Why NOT layer it up with 50 singers?! The answer to that question lies in this record. Overblown, pompous and somehow even out of touch with what was happening culturally at the time. Sure, you can record with more tracks now, but at what cost?
Sounds like the modern Democratic Party. While ignoring the obvious populist mood of the American moment, the DNC has shoved an unwilling geriatric to the front of the ticket, completely banking on their own notions that America just wants the Trump nightmare to end so we can get back to normal. They’ve misread the situation and will suffer the consequences come November.
It would of course be nice to be wrong about such a pessimistic perspective, however, we’re talking about a party who only wins once the opposition fucks up to an obnoxious degree. That’s not much of a brand but it seems at this point, they’re afraid of anything that’s not impotent. Now the You’re Fired Guy gets more Supreme Court Pics and you can thank Tom Perez.